conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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