I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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