please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.