Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
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Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
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I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.