The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
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One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.