Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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