someone threw a dead crab at me
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
