my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.