God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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