I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
