yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
