every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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