So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Drunk is not a location!
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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