her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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