i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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