I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
