So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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