I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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