surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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