I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
