I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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