The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
