Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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