this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
