halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
