No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
