I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
