My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I skipped work to stalk him.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We need to get me chipped asap
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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