the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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