3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
