yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
