Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
well you can't waste a boner
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
