Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
