my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
