I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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