i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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