out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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