Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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