she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
