I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
