Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
