If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
