I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
