woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's rum buckets o'clock
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
