I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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