just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
