R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
