my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
