it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
