She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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