i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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