Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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