He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
