You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
