I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
